The Day Before…

I read this somewhere once…

“The day before my child was diagnosed with cancer, I wasn’t a cancer mom either.” 

And it’s true.  I wasn’t.  However, the night before we heard the words “…she has leukemia,” I knew that she already had it.  Under odd circumstances, we had been preparing for leukemia’s arrival for many months.  That night I could see it in her eyes, on her skin and I could feel it in the deepest part of my soul.  But in those last moments at home, knowing life would flip upside down in the morning, I held on tight to what life was like before cancer.  Because everything would change the following day.

The day before my child was diagnosed with cancer, she was free from central lines, machines and chemo.

The day before my child was diagnosed with cancer, she had a head full of thick and beautiful hair that I was madly in love with.

The day before my child was diagnosed with cancer, I had no idea what it meant for life to be crazy–even though I thought our’s was most days.

The day before my child was diagnosed with cancer, she was free of fear.

The day before my child was diagnosed with cancer, a cold was just a cold, germs were just germs; and we didn’t live in fear of either.

The day before my child was diagnosed with cancer, my heart didn’t have to decide which of our kids needed me most at any given moment.

The day before my child was diagnosed with cancer, she cried in our arms in pain and misery but smiled when daddy joked.

The day before my child was diagnosed with cancer, it didn’t exist in my mind.

ResizedImage_1382019998379

Looking back at the day before my daughter was officially diagnosed with cancer, I took for granted the things in our life that were actually blessings–chaos from work and the kids, agonizing over what to make for dinner, organizing school and therapy schedules, complaining about mountains of laundry, crying over little things. And sometimes I was blind to the beauty around me.

The day my child was diagnosed with cancer, I collapsed in my living room.

The day my child was diagnosed with cancer, she was scared, but incredibly brave.

The day my child was diagnosed with cancer, I cried myself completely numb.

The day my child was diagnosed with cancer, she cuddled her blankie in the car during the ride to the hospital.

The day my child was diagnosed with cancer, I left our six month old baby behind to care for her sister.

The day my child was diagnosed with cancer, she hugged her new nurse.

The day my child was diagnosed with cancer, fear took over and I assumed the worst.

The day my child was diagnosed with cancer, our lives changed forever.

One week after her diagnosis. Halloween in the hospital.

One week after her diagnosis. Halloween in the hospital.

Chemo Duck 1

Becoming an accidental pro at the hospital.

Every day after my child was diagnosed with cancer, the silver linings sparkled brighter than before; and I truly understood what it meant to be blessed even in despair.  Nurses became dear friends and crying alongside doctors was common.  There were late nights and long isolated days.  Pain and pride became one while we experienced tribulations and triumphs.

Every day after my child was diagnosed with cancer, we learned something new.  We watched our daughter fight for her life.  I found fear, but believed in hope.  We gave in, threw our hands up and prayed for miracles.

Tessa Carey 027.jpg

Every day after my child was diagnosed with cancer, we gained an intense appreciation for those who work in the medical field because they loved, cared for and save our girl while working endless and often heartbreaking shifts.  We learned to advocate for our daughter and for kids with cancer because they deserve more.  They deserve a chance to live a full life outside of cancer.  Kids with cancer deserve freedom from their diseases and a fair shot at just being a kid.

PhotoGrid_1433271600601

The day before my child was diagnosed with cancer, I knew very little about pediatric cancer–especially how grossly underfunded it is.  Less than 4% of federal funding is allocated for all kids cancers.  If you want to learn more hard truths and grim facts of childhood cancer, take a look here … or here … or here.

 

The more we turn our cheeks, the less we will help the future of our kids. Yes, it is scary.  Yes, it is unsettling.  But it is real.

last chemo

The day before my child was diagnosed with cancer, I was a mom unprepared for what would come; and she was just a toddler living a normal life.

The day my child was diagnosed with cancer, a spark ignited a powerful flame in my heart to fight for kids battling cancer everywhere.  And because of this beautiful face, I don’t plan to stop anytime soon.

go gold tessa

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “The Day Before…

  1. This was so beautifully written. It resonated so much with me. My daughter was 6 when she was diagnosed and her baby brother was not yet 6 months so I too know the pain of having to choose which child needed me more. I am so glad Tessa continues to thrive!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s