Dear Tessa: Letting Go Of “If”

Dear Tessa,

Have I ever told you how much I love waking up to your sweet voice? I mean I don’t really love when you wake up at 3:30 a.m.; but then Dad puts you in bed with us, and the first voice I hear on those mornings is yours saying, “Hi Mommy.”  Then you look at me; those blue eyes begging me to stay perched in bed all day…like you are asking if we can watch Disney Junior and veg all day.  The life…that sounds perfect to me!

We have been hospital free for almost three months now.  You are doing so good.  I mean good to the point where it catches me by surprise and draws me back.  A part of me wants to run full-force with you into the future.  But there is another part of me that doesn’t want to get ahead of ourselves.  What if?

I hate what if’s.  Because I just cannot seem to control them.  What is if anyway?  What happens when if becomes more than a word; rather a state of mind?   Then you become me.  I am stuck in the land of if right now…constantly worrying about upcoming appointments and the future.  I know better.  No, really I do.  It is just my human nature, I guess.  (They say that happens to moms sometimes.)  I just cannot help but wonder, though.  Such is the question on many people’s mind, I assume:  “How will I know that everything will be okay?”

I don’t.  No one does.  The problem is that I only looked at the negative side of if. “What if it comes back?” “What if she needs a transplant?” “What if Kendal is her match?”  “What if she isn’t?” “What if I lose everything?” No wonder I am stuck.  How can I expect to be in any kind of positive place if I only worry that things might not work out?  It is not easy, though, finding balance in questionable situations.  However, I feel incredibly blessed to know that you have come so far.  Therefore should I not be wondering things such as “what if she overcomes all of this?”  “What if everything goes smoothly?”  “What if she is cancer free?”  I do have the ability to change my thoughts after all.

This is what I want you to know about life:  Don’t be blinded by optimism, as it can be deceitful.  Don’t be tempted by pessimism because it will weigh you down.  Don’t be jaded by realism because you will quickly settle for anything.  Be an optimist, a pessimist and a realist. You can be all of them as long as you allow yourself to see clearly.  We are allowed emotions and feelings.  Just remember to find balance in what truly makes you happy and let go the all the if’s that hold you back.  Promise me that you will never hold back, okay?

Someone told me last night:  “Trust that you are right where you need to be.  You path is lit one step at a time.  If each step was light to the end, you would run with fear for everything that you would and would not see.  Trust yourself and trust your path.”  

Tessa mirror

Love, Mom

One thought on “Dear Tessa: Letting Go Of “If”

  1. Becky,
    As always I love the eloquent way in which you let us in, to follow along with you and Tessa on her journey. And, as always, I find good advice for all of us in your writing and your perspective. And, as always, you all will stay in my prayers…

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