Dear Tessa: Room In My Heart

Dear Tessa,

Girlfriend if you can believe it, you are within a week of going home from your last inpatient round of chemo!  You will have three outpatient spinal taps and two bone marrow biopsies in the next month to finish this out.  From there, who knows.  There are a few pesky leukemia blast cells not willing to cooperate in your bone marrow, and all I know is that I am praying like crazy that they will be gone soon!  You deserve your freedom back.  You deserve your life back.

Somehow I keep finding myself crying when I hold you, especially when you sleep in my arms.  And for the life of me I just cannot come up with the words to tell you what exactly I am feeling right now.  So bear with me as you let me rub your little fuzzy head long after you are asleep. Instead of laying you in your crib, I have found that keeping you close allows me to have a part of home with me while I reflect on the past day.  Because I miss being there.  I miss the other two crazy kids waiting for us to come home, and dad too.

As I write this, it hits me.  I wonder if someday Kendal, and maybe even Casin, will ask where their letters are.  Someday they may want to know why you got so many and why they might not have any. I think about that a lot.

What will I tell them?

I remember after having you that I did not think that I could possibly love another baby as much as I loved you.  When I was pregnant with Kendal, I wondered how all of the moms in the world divided their love so equally among all of their children.  While I worried that nothing could compare to the way you made my heart explode, Kendal did.  She had no problem finding room next to her brother and sister in there.

One of the best gifts about being a mom is the realization that there is always room for my maternal heart to grow.  It may possibly be the only part of me that swells each day that I am perfectly content with.  Loving each of you equally is easy, but I cannot possibly love you all the same.  That is exactly how all of those other moms I wondered about manage to share their hearts. After all, you are not the same person as your siblings. They are not the same as you or as each other.  Each of you commands a tailor-made bond from me and your dad; therefore, loving you each differently is my favorite part.

For you, my dear, these letters are my gift that allow me to share with you how much I love you.  Because I could not possibly remember all of the greatness and hardships in your life without them, they are yours.  For Casin and Kendal it is individualized as well; although maybe not as specific as your letters are, but special no less.

There was no specific point to this letter other than to partially describe how my heart operates under such a full capacity for you three little treasures.  So if you ever question your place in my heart, now you know.

Love, Mom

P.S.  Keep fighting!

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