Home.

Forgive my lack of posts lately.  We spent almost two full weeks at home after Tessa’s last round, which means we were fortunate enough to have Christmas at home as a family!  I gave all of my energy and focus to my family and our business and the holidays as well.  Even if I would have had time to write a post, it would not have been worth the read because my brain was totally fried.  Somehow I ended up here, with a brain full of scattered thoughts and a lengthy post for your Friday night reading pleasure.

Going home is great.  Obviously I look forward to taking Tessa back home almost as soon as I bring her to the hospital, but going home is also stressful…really stressful for a number of reasons.  For starters bringing home a child with recovering blood counts is scary.  My home has to be nearly spotless upon her arrival, and I have to trust that everyone who enters has taken proper precautions before visiting.  We also should maintain a healthy house as best we can.  And let me tell you–that task has been our biggest challenge of being home yet.

The first time we brought Tessa home after treatment I had Kendal in the ER for croup two days later.  Dan and I both got strep throat two days after that.  This last time I had Kendal in the ER the day after we brought Tessa home for what appears to have been the flu and dehydration followed by many sleepless nights, a trip to the ER for a migraine for mom, and a return trip to Urgent Care for Kendal for an ear infection.  Whew.  I am even exhausted just typing that.  Kendal went from being the easiest baby on the planet to a particularly difficult baby.  We fell further and further behind in work and I failed to maintain our home’s need to be in mint condition for Tessa’s sake.  Dan and I both running on little sleep and even less patience joked, “How is it that our medically fragile child is actually our easiest part of being home” as Tessa sat cool as a cucumber while the craziness circled her.

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While at first laughing at the hiccups of home was the easy thing to do, I’m going to level with you…at one point I lost all control.  Because I am only human and I can only handle so much.  I was at the crossroads of “defeated” and “dead end,” and I threw myself the biggest pity party that I could.  And I do not feel bad about it.  I think it is okay to feel sorry for ourselves now and again.  It has to be natural to wish that things would be easier when feeling completely lost.  Even though it makes me uneasy, I have to trust my vulnerability.

And life goes on.

There were many beautiful moments bursting through the not-so-beautiful moments each day.  I mean for one thing we had Christmas at home!  Santa also visited!  We went to two Christmas’s as a family.  The girls caught up on lost time and I was there for it all.  On Christmas morning, the holiday itself threw up all over our living room and entertained the kids for hours!  Dan and I sat back just watching them excitedly shift from one new toy to the next.  And when my holiday nostalgia wasn’t in overdrive, I noticed that counting our blessings was easily as natural as feeling sorry for myself was during the rocky times.  Maybe there is something more to the “little things in life” perspective that I found while being home.

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We are back in the hospital at the start of round three for Tessa’s chemo.  We are ready to close out 2013.  Our one and only New Year’s Resolution is to help Tessa beat leukemia!  I am ready to replace a year of worry and sadness with a year of triumph and victory!  2014…be good to us.

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