Taking Breaks

I took a small break after my cliffhanger post before Tessa’s second birthday.  We received a phone call following her third bone marrow biopsy with her official pathology report.  They found megakaryoblast cells in Tessa’s marrow this time around.  This means that Tessa is developing M7 AML (Acute Megakaryoblastic Leukemia) (more here as well).  Currently she has right below 10% blast cells in her bone marrow.  That number is on the rise, but we don’t know at what rate.  Her doctor told us that we should expect things to speed up over the next few months or even year.  Although she is not yet officially diagnosed (because as of now she is below 20%), it will be too soon before she is–because anytime is too soon.

Sometimes I feel faint.  Sometimes I think I’ve got this.  Sometimes I worry that I am not worried enough.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem real.  It has been eight months of this…and I give myself a hard time for not feeling prepared because I have had [what is probably considered] long enough to “prepare.”  All I wanted was an answer.  I almost have one to face, but I am unsure what to do with it.


I hate that word.  I hate even more what it means.  But I especially hate what it does.  The end.

Having said all of that, I feel better knowing how well Tessa has done since it all began. She is content being a busy toddler pretending to be a puppy, feeding baby dolls, throwing her animals in her barn and walking all over the place.  She is happy.

Photo credit:  Jessica Hartman Photography
Photo credit: Jessica Hartman Photography

We have somewhat of a better understanding of what it all means.  I believe all of the time leading to this point was to help us grow and mature so that we could be there for her the way she needs us to be.  Dan and I also feel like that everything is taking it’s time because Tessa has already put up a good fight and maybe afterall…Leukemia just can’t handle Tessa…maybe it knows who it is up against and is proceeding with caution.  Because her doctors have told us more than once that she definitely should have been diagnosed by now.

It’s time to strap on my big girl boots.  And oh, what boots they are.  I put them away shortly after Tessa was born, but I am ready to dust them off again.  

Each day we are home I am thankful.  I thank my lucky stars for my family, my kids, the roof over my head, food on my table and work to be done.  I am thankful because despite the inevitable, there is always so much to be thankful for.

Today I am especially thankful for my amazing, supportive, hard-working, fun-loving husband.  Three years ago today we exchanged vows in front of those we loved not knowing the ride we would be on as husband and wife.  It is those same vows that have carried us through the last three years and will continue to carry us through decades more.  Every single day there are three little kindred souls that cannot wait to see him.

Tonight we will take a break and celebrate our anniversary…and the up and downs along the way.  Sometimes a break is all I need.


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